A drunk rang Dublin airport and inquired: 'How long does it take to fly to New York fromDublin?'

'Just a second,' said the receptionist.

Thank you,' said the drunk and replaced the phone.

Tom and Jim always drank together and when Jim became hospitalised Tom continued going to the same pub alone but he still bought two small whiskies for old time's sake.

After about a month of this the barman was surprised one evening when Tom ordered only one drink.

'Has poor Jim passed away?' he asked.

'No, no,' said Tom. 'I gave up the booze myself.'

The phone went in the hospital casualty department.

'Hello,' said a frantic voice. 'It's Mick Doolan here. Can you come quickly, my wife is having a baby.'

'I see,' said the receptionist. 'And is this her first child?'

'No,' said Doolan, 'this is her husband speaking.